Do you have unfulfilled dreams? Are there things that you would love to do, but you somehow never get round to them? Are you stuck in a rut, unable to move?
If so, you are not alone. Many, many people get stuck in life. Stuck in unfulfilling careers, stuck in their relationships, stuck with the things that they never wanted, while the things they do want seem to remain forever out of reach.
Why is this? Why do so many dreams fall by the wayside? Why is it that many people give up on their dreams, and choose a life 'just OK' instead of a life of enthusiasm, fulfilment and self expression?
When you work with a life coach, one of the things that the coach will ask you is, 'What's stopping you?' What is it that prevents you from having what you want?
People find many reasons for not going for what they want Â? often to do with money, ability, family etc, etc. Usually these reasons have a root Â? and that root is fear. It may be the fear of upsetting someone else, it may be the fear that you would make a fool of yourself, it may be the fear of the unknown, or the fear of failure. It may be some or all of these.
Of course, most people do not like to think of themselves as fearful, which is why many of the so called 'reasons' for not doing something are put forward as excuses. In fact, these excuses are not the real reason at all. The real reason is because the individual feels uncomfortable with feeling fearful.
Why are we so fearful? What has caused this? And why should one little human emotion prevent us from leading fulfilling lives?
The reason is quite simple. We live constantly with the memory of past events, even though we may not remember things consciously, they are there with us, informing our present and our future.
Let us take as an example the simple fear of failure.
All of us have failed at something in the past. Probably several times. The first time may be so far back you cannot remember it.
Let us say that you were asked to do something at school, and you got it wrong. Perhaps you were told off by an insensitive teacher, or perhaps the other children laughed at you.
Whatever happened, it gave you a bad feeling. In that moment, you may decide several things:
a) I am no good at this task
b) I'm stupid
c) I never want to be laughed at again.
Do you remember feeling like that? Do you remember feeling humiliated and stupid in front of your mates? It wasn't good, was it?
Unfortunately, those decisions quoted above do not remain in the past. They become part of your life, and they develop into underlying beliefs that a)you're no good, b) you're stupid, c) being laughed at is bad. You may not even remember the original event where you made these decision, and therefore they seem to you to be absolute truths.
Furthermore, we humans have a tendency to search for evidence for our beliefs. And when we look for evidence for something, we generally find it. So now, all through your life you will have evidence to back up your beliefs, and the more evidence you have, the more you believe. It's a vicious circle.
Then, when we want something, we find it involves the very things that a) we're no good at, b) we're too stupid to do, and c) people would laugh at. That bad feeling returns, and we retreat. We remember we do not want to feel like that again Â? it is to be avoided at all costs; and the costs are: to sacrifice a life of fulfilment and joy.
The fear based on the feelings and decisions you made a long time ago as a child.
Getting something wrong as a child does not mean that a) you're no good at it, b) you're stupid, or c) that people will always laugh at you. If it did, nobody would ever be successful at anything!
Our lives are not governed by just one bad experience. There are many, many things that happen to us as children and adults that we take to mean various things about ourselves. And as we make more and more decisions about what these mean Â? we hem ourselves in, so that our lives become more and more restricted and we are terrified of moving out of the little box that we have created for ourselves.
Now, here's the bad news: the fear is not going to go away. But the more you realise that you are limiting yourself because of your perceptions of things that have happened in the past, the more you will be able to look fear in the face. You can begin to choose to think differently. You can start to look for evidence that a)you can do it, b) you're intelligent and clever, and c) people respect you. Amazingly, you will find the evidence. You break that vicious cycle.
Remember that just because something happened before, it does not mean it will happen again Â? it is only your belief that causes things to happen over and over again. Start to believe that you will change the pattern, and you will change it.
Feel the fear, acknowledge it, make a note to let go of its causes, and then move through it. For no matter what happens, you will have achieved something, you will be moving forward. There is no such thing as failure. There are just outcomes. Every outcome brings you closer to your desire because you will learn from it.
So, what's stopping you from moving forward? Nothing! Only your thoughts and feelings. You are in charge Â? take control of your thoughts, and take control of your destiny.
About the author:
I specialise in career and confidence coaching - and I am also a freelance writer. If you are stuck in your life, unsure of your next step, or how to take it, I can help you to release those blocks and get you moving into a fulfilling future.
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